Well stitched up.

I picked a guy up the airport yesterday and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the story he told me.

It seems that he had just come back from a holiday in Noumea, at the Club Med there. He certainly looked great, sun tan and all but, in all reality, judging by the story he had to tell, he should have been as white as a ghost.

You see, a few weeks before going on holiday he had ‘entertained’ a rather beautiful lady he had met at one of the city’s better nightspots.

The night went very well and the two ended up a lot closer than when they began. They also discovered that they were both going to the same Club Med at the same time and pledged to continue the relationship there.

A few days later, however, he received a phone call from the girl saying she had come down with a mild ‘social disease’, the presence of which she put firmly at his feet, so to speak.

In tears, she told him she had never had anything like this in her life before, that he had ruined her holidays and, despite his pleas of innocence, that she would get her revenge.

Well, the young man ran straight to the doctor’s for a check up. He was  certain that there nothing wrong with him but he thought it better to be safe than sorry.

When the tests indeed showed him to have nothing amiss he phoned the girl to offer his sympathy and tell her it couldn’t have been him. Well, this made matters even worse. How dare he say it wasn’t him. Did he think she slept around or with any Tom or Harry let alone Dick? And that if she saw him again she would let everybody know what a bastard he was.

Now the problem was, what to do about the holiday. If he cancelled, he’d forfeit his money. If he went, things could turn out very nasty even though he was a complete innocent.

 “Sod it”, he thought, “I’ve done nothing wrong, I’ll go and just stay out of her way”.

As luck would have it, they weren’t on the same plane out  but his good fortune only lasted for a short time.

Now it’s a tradition at Club Med to vote a man and a woman ‘couple of the week’ on the first night of the weekly festivities; single people being picked by the staff to act as couples and take part in various games on stage in front of the rest of the holidaymakers, the winner of which gets the title.

And yes, the staff called the two up on to the stage. And yes the staff put the two together. And if you’ve ever been you’ll know that saying ‘no’ to Club Med staff is impossible so my passenger decided to grin and bear it.

That is until he discovered the first game was for him to sit on the girl’s lap while she sowed a patch on the front of his jeans, blindfolded.

I won’t go through with the gory details but, of course, being blindfolded gave the girl every opportunity and excuse to inflict considerable pain, which she did. As my passenger said, with a rueful smile, it gave “being well stitched up” a whole new meaning.

It was no consolation that so good was the performance, the two were unanimously voted ‘couple of the week’ and asked to come back for a repeat performance later in the year.  I don’t think he’s planning to go.